As a spoonie, I often wonder about the concept of freedom.
So much of my freedom has been stripped from me by my own body. It entraps my own creativity and limits my physicality. How can someone who’s very existence is limited by their own self experience true freedom?
Birds and Freedom
I know it’s cliché but I always look to birds for the idea of freedom. They aren’t bound by location, not limited by the constraints that we as humans would experience. If they don’l like their surroundings, they can just spread their wings and fly to their next location.
Who knows where they are going to end up?
In a way, it can be a bit ironic that I find birds’ ability to up and go anywhere they want, whenever they want, as an idea of freedom I enjoy. I do enjoy structure, timings, and schedules. I am probably one of the few nomads-at-heart who enjoys having their trips planned to the T. Stability brings safety when travelling for me and so here we find the irony.
Regardless, in the moments I am sat at my office desk or lying in my bed, feeling the effects of my Chronic Fatigue, I think of birds and how wonderful it must be to be able to fly far away from your problems with nothing but the wind in your wings and the whole world below you.
In truth, I really don’t know what my future looks like. There are some things that are crystal clear, like the fact that I know I will end up with my current partner, I have friends that I will never lose and family that will always be there for me. But, in terms of my career and location, I’m clueless!
I have always had goals. Finish high school, finish sixth form, finish uni and now my goal is to complete my apprenticeship. But sometimes, I sit at my desk, wondering if I am doing the right thing. My CFS is a hude limiter on my ability to work- leading me to have to work fewer hours. Would it not be better to take out completely to focus on my health? Or would that time be wasted without the structure of my job? I do enjoy my job and am 100% committed to my apprenticeship, but those thoughts do come now and then.
But then, there is the question of after. What comes next? Do I stay at my job (if they will have me) and have stability or risk it and try something new?
The idea of working freelance whilst travelling is my dream without a doubt but I know I need to be practical with my choices too, especially as a spoonie.
The future is a complete mystery. I know there is so much potential out there, but I already feel limited by my illness. My dreams have become smaller, or further out of reach, becuase I know my body wont be able to handle them. The future is both a wide open sky and a dark, black hole- both alluring and both completely unknown.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. Whilst the future may bring possibility, it also brings uncertaincy. I have no idea if I will get healthier, get travelling again, be 100% happy in my career etc and that scares me!
The future is like a bright light, cast wide and encompassing everything. Fear makes this light seem impossibly bright and impossibly large.
There is a way to focus this light, to hone it and give it purpose. Pushing through fear and setting intentions is the way to focus in, but choosing which intentions to set bring a whole fear on top of everything.
What to choose? How do I know what path to focus on and which intentions to set?
The future is scary.
These are my thoughts right now.
I think I will start writing articles like this more. Expressing not just the facts and figures of being a spoonie, but the inner workings of my mind. My thought and feelings that my Chronic Fatigue and my love to travel giveme.
Who knows what the future holds? Who knows if any of us spoonies will ever experience true freedom? Oh- and what on earth IS freedom?
These probably sound like the rambles of a mad woman- and they probably are!
Here’s to freedom and here’s to the future.